Cabin In The Woods: Waiting In The Theater

We've seen Cabin In The Woods receiving glowing, gushing, gooey reviews left and right.

And now, we've seen Cabin In The Woods.

And we're wondering why - on both accounts.

To say that it has a slow start is an understatement rarely surpassed.

To say that it is an homage to other "kids go on trip into woods only to be butchered by freaks" movies is a gross misstatement.  It IS a "kids go on trip into woods only to be butchered by freaks" movie.

Granted, it has an extra plot point that adds to this hackneyed story line.

The fatal flaw of this new wrinkle is that it doesn't truly get underway until the final reel.

GETTING to that point in the flick is agonizingly, annoyingly, all-too-familiarly long in coming.

And once it finally does arrive, we can only guess that the vast majority of folks will be as equally disappointed as were we.

One cannot dangle a carrot in front of a mule for the duration of plowing the back 40 and expect said mule to be overjoyed upon discovering that it is, in fact, a baby carrot behind a magnifying glass.

Even if the carrot were the most delicious vegetable on the face of the earth, the mule would still be pretty pissed off that it was forced to work so hard for it.

Such is the case with Cabin In The Woods.

The "payoff" of the movie's twist, while visually impressive, happens so quickly, and is over so very soon that we would equate it to waiting for several hours in blistering heat for a thrill ride that lasts for about two minutes.

To heck with that, we say.  We'll be over at Storybook Land.

But for the moment, we'll trudge back to Cabin In The Woods... if we haaaaave to...

The purpose behind the BRAND NEW, SUPER-EXCITING, BLOWIN' YER  MIND plot point (heavy sarcasm) is a flagrant ripoff of an author whose work, in our opinion, has never been done justice by any filmmaker.  ANY.

Were we to name the author, it might spoil the experience for anyone willing to sit through the first 17 hours of this rehashing of a cinematic dead horse that has been kicked so many times, it is now nothing more than a stain in dusty, hard-packed earth.

If you are absolutely COMPELLED to see Cabin In The Woods, don't blame us.  We warned you.

Worthy to note, the Rubik's Cube illustration of a creepy cabin shown in the advertising materials is the most inventive visual connected with this movie (see below).

Feisty Media Critic's review:  WASTE OF CELLULOID

[ROLL CREDITS]