Okay. NEW RULE...

I, Feisty Media Critic,

do hereby and forthwith

issue the following proclamation:

Nothing, I repeat, NO-THING, be it

• natural
• supernatural,

or even

super-dupernatural,

shall convince me to ever experience another audiovisual pile of poo described as:

"A group of [college, high school, asthmatic, et al] kids...

go into the woods..."

Artistic Licenses Revoked

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Film Retreats Back Into Its Shell"

"Oh NO!  Not everyone in the universe will greet my creation with gooey admiration approaching rabid fangirl levels!  SCRAP IT!!!"

This is precisely why the turn of events involving Mass Effect 3 sets a terrible precedent.  (For those who don't follow gaming, the creators of this title relented after public outcry that the ending of said game wasn't to their liking.  They will release additional material to appease those who created and perpetuated the uproar.)

Here's a synopsis of a li'l story by some old dude named Aesop:

Son rides donkey, father walks.
People get angry; tell son he is lazy and should let his father ride.
Father rides, son walks.
People get angry; tell father he shouldn't make his son walk.
Father and son ride.
People get angry; tell father and son they are overburdening donkey.
Father and son tie donkey's legs to pole and carry it - much to the amusement of onlookers.
Donkey manages to free one leg from pole, kicks son who drops pole, donkey falls off bridge, still bound by three legs, and drowns in water below.

“That will teach you,” said an old man who had followed them:

“PLEASE ALL, AND YOU WILL PLEASE NONE.”

House

Okay.  For all you youngsters and forgetful types out there, from someone my age, "HOUSE" was a movie.

"House M.D." is not the same animal.

I haven't, and do not plan on watching House M.D.

I have a reason.

Hugh Laurie is one of the most broadly talented and hysterically funny men on the face of the earth.

For those of you only familiar with his work on House M.D., here are some examples that might blow your mind:

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

A Bit of Fry & Laurie

"Pneumatic Drill"

 

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

"Hey Jude"

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Blackadder Goes Forth

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Blackadder The Third

I'm just saying...

We really need to rethink this whole "A for Effort" thing...

...because either it means:

"Wow.  You REALLY stink at this! But hey, at least you're nice."

or,

it is the first sentence in a very poorly-written alphabet book.

Then And Now

Portal and Portal 2

Portal and Portal 2 are computer games. Very silly, lots of fun, mentally stimulating.

And, yes, there are spoilers ahead.

This clip from YouTube is the final cut scene (a cut scene is a geek term for short movie that plays automatically once a player reaches a certain point in a game) and the closing credits from Portal. Even without knowledge of the game itself, you'll be able to pick up the humor in it.

* * * * * * * * * * * *
The portal turret is this sweet little chap. ROFL LMAO Again, you see the humor. This next clip from Portal 2 features turrets in action - not only the standard functioning turrets, but also some defective ones that cycle through a number of wise-cracking and funny comments.


* * * * * * * * * * * *
The closing credits of Portal 2. Same composer. Also funny.

* * * * * * * * * * * *
Finally, I had to include the ending of Portal 2 which features an enormous choir of turrets. It's... well, it's gorgeous.

Should've Seen These Long Ago

Sunset Boulevard - ★★★★  Anyone determinedly seeking fame after viewing this film is nuttier than Norma Desmond.

X-Men: First Class - ★★★★★  I went in with absolutely no expectations.  And I had a Marvel-ous time.  Hindsight being 20/20, I would infinitely prefer to see this film repeatedly than ever have seen The Avengers.  (Note:  This is the first of the X-Men films I've seen to date.  Being that the film's premise is the very beginnings of the X-Men, I wanted to start with this installment.  Musings on the others in the franchise to follow.)

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Now You Don't...

Whilst taking a nap during a break in shooting his latest film, Sir Michael Caine was inadvertently locked in a makeshift dressing room overnight.

Ironically, he is currently working on a film entitled "Now You See Me."

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Se7eneir Bookmark [ADVERTISEMENT]

Never lose your place in that all-important composition book!

Printed on double-sided cardstock, laminated in 5 mil plastic, with hanging string.

No stomach-churning pine scent included.

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PayPal orders accepted.

"Poe" (2007) (Short) - One Word Review

NOE.

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Vidi, vidi, vidi, vidi, vidi = Bucks

The mathematics of James Wan's original short film "Saw" (2003):

00:09:27 in length

Total franchise box office, worldwide: $873.3M

00:09:27 = 567 seconds

when divided into the total worldwide box office...

$873,300,000 ­­÷ 567"

equates to a short film that burgeoned into a franchise that,

if based on the original short film's length,

would be currently valued at: 

ONE
MILLION
FIVE
HUNDRED
FORTY
THOUSAND
TWO
HUNDRED
ELEVEN
DOLLARS

(and sixty-four cents).

PER

$E¢OND.

Myself, I like the short.  It merited 9'27" of my attention.  AND I watched it on YouTube, so I didn't have to fork over any cash, so I'm good.

[ROLL CREDITS]

What Is Wrong With American Cinema

from Kids In The Hall

Bruno Ponce-Jones (Dave Foley) and Francesca Fiore (Scott Thompson) share their views regarding what is wrong with American cinema.

The Lost Boys (1987) - A Single Sentence Review

I just lost an hour and thirty-seven minutes.

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Apartment 143 - Vacant For A Reason

The best way to describe Apartment 143 is to say it is an "I-would-like-to-speak-to-the-manager.-I-consider-your-ticket-price-to-be-a-damage-deposit-and-am-requesting-refund-in-full." flick.

If you waste your time on this clone of Paranormal Activity, you'll be experiencing the old cliché first-hand:  "Burn me once, shame on you.  Burn me twice, shame on me."

[ROLL CREDITS]

John Carter - A one-sentence review.

You call it Helium; we call it "corn."

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Cabin In The Woods: Waiting In The Theater

We've seen Cabin In The Woods receiving glowing, gushing, gooey reviews left and right.

And now, we've seen Cabin In The Woods.

And we're wondering why - on both accounts.

To say that it has a slow start is an understatement rarely surpassed.

To say that it is an homage to other "kids go on trip into woods only to be butchered by freaks" movies is a gross misstatement.  It IS a "kids go on trip into woods only to be butchered by freaks" movie.

Granted, it has an extra plot point that adds to this hackneyed story line.

The fatal flaw of this new wrinkle is that it doesn't truly get underway until the final reel.

GETTING to that point in the flick is agonizingly, annoyingly, all-too-familiarly long in coming.

And once it finally does arrive, we can only guess that the vast majority of folks will be as equally disappointed as were we.

One cannot dangle a carrot in front of a mule for the duration of plowing the back 40 and expect said mule to be overjoyed upon discovering that it is, in fact, a baby carrot behind a magnifying glass.

Even if the carrot were the most delicious vegetable on the face of the earth, the mule would still be pretty pissed off that it was forced to work so hard for it.

Such is the case with Cabin In The Woods.

The "payoff" of the movie's twist, while visually impressive, happens so quickly, and is over so very soon that we would equate it to waiting for several hours in blistering heat for a thrill ride that lasts for about two minutes.

To heck with that, we say.  We'll be over at Storybook Land.

But for the moment, we'll trudge back to Cabin In The Woods... if we haaaaave to...

The purpose behind the BRAND NEW, SUPER-EXCITING, BLOWIN' YER  MIND plot point (heavy sarcasm) is a flagrant ripoff of an author whose work, in our opinion, has never been done justice by any filmmaker.  ANY.

Were we to name the author, it might spoil the experience for anyone willing to sit through the first 17 hours of this rehashing of a cinematic dead horse that has been kicked so many times, it is now nothing more than a stain in dusty, hard-packed earth.

If you are absolutely COMPELLED to see Cabin In The Woods, don't blame us.  We warned you.

Worthy to note, the Rubik's Cube illustration of a creepy cabin shown in the advertising materials is the most inventive visual connected with this movie (see below).

Feisty Media Critic's review:  WASTE OF CELLULOID

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The Most Sought-After Cabin In The Woods

The Cabin In The Woods

Horror • Thriller

95 mins.

"Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods."

Ohhhhhhh, boy...

SOUNDS like THE most hackneyed over-kicked dead horse of a plot in the history of the genre, yet research would indicate it could tear the roof off the suckah.

I think I want to see it.  But I've yet to make a final decision.

At the moment, I am doing my best to remind myself that MARKETING puts together things like "official movie websites."

Why would this be so important to bear in mind?

Take a look and tell me what you think...

Something is fishy in this state of Denmark, and it's NOT the danishes.

Is someone trying to justify a large budget for actors' fees?

Are we to be convinced that mountains were moved to assemble a cast that would ordinarily garner a lukewarm and polite round of applause?

I don't know.

What I do know is that I find it more than a bit disquieting when a movie's official website cribs from itself for actors' references.

I will keep an eye out for this movie, and am hoping that my expectations will be met, if not exceeded.

But so help me, if it turns out to be the type of film that MUST CONSTANTLY REMIND ME HOW TALENTED ITS ACTORS ARE on its website in order to show me a taste of its quality, I'm gonna be one seriously ticked-off media critic.

[ROLL CREDITS]

(By the way, if you picked up on references to The Bard here, it is because virtually every cast member's bio is padded liberally with any appearances they made in Shakespeare's plays.  But, these are, after all, highly sought-after roles.  A-hem.)

Getting On My Wick

"The wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion."

- Proverbs 28:1 (NIV ©1984) 

The Wicker Man (1973), on the other hand, just stood there until he had work to do.  And by golly, he did a splendid and entertaining job of it, too.

The Wicker TREE (2010), on the OTHER other hand:

• pissed away 96 minutes of my life which I cannot get back
• has the audacity to even MENTION Christopher Lee's name in the credits, when his role consisted of seconds of dialogue...IN A FLASHBACK, for corn's sake
• contains nothing even remotely as hot as Britt Ekland's performance in The Wicker Man, despite having a gigantic flame-engulfed version of the titular tree (you thought of Britt when you read "titular," didn'tcha? >:^D) and was released THIRTY-SEVEN YEARS AFTER The Wicker Man

And so, to writer/director Robin Hardy, of both Wicker Man AND Wicker Tree, I say I firmly believe it is time that you become reacquainted with The Wicker Man.

Intimately.

Permanently.

In summation:

The Wicker Man - a spookyweirdwickedfun film.

The Wicker Tree - WASTE OF CELLULOID.

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Achilles' Heels

Vol. 1 • Iss. 2

Last week, Feisty Media Critic mentioned they'd share with you which are their Achilles' heels.  Which actors and directors will nearly always appeal to FMC?  This is important because, feisty or not, even media critics are only human and are, therefore, inclined to biases.  Nature of the beast.

Absolute truth.

In regard to any media, we have favorites.  It's not a good or bad thing, it simply is.

Were we a feisty food critic, we might put it this way: if one detests Roquefort cheese, the likelihood that they can somehow teach themselves to enjoy it is virtually nil.  (Unless extenuating circumstances existed--and they would have to be incredibly bizarre--we would go so far as to say it would be inane if they even made the attempt.)

But we're not a feisty food critic.  So tonight, let's talk movies.  Well, not so much talk as simply list.  No, we're not leaning to one side.  Sheesh.

Following are lists of actors and directors (in no particular order) whose bodies of work tend to appeal to FMC and are apt to sway (okay, NOW we're leaning) us towards favorable opinions of their films:

Actors	Directors
Forest Whitaker Hugh Jackman Kevin Spacey Morgan Freeman Benicio Del Toro Stephen McHattie Stephen Fry	David Fincher Terry Gilliam Frank Capra Kevin Smith Roger Corman

Now, do bear in mind that this list is absurdly incomplete.  As films, movies, flicks, and the occasional wastes of celluloid are critiqued, if any actors or directors are favorites, FMC will make that clear in advance, lest you be led astray by our leanings.  Yes, leanings.

"No actresses!" you say.  Well, maybe you said it.  "WE CAN'T HEAR YOU!", we reply.  At time of posting, we honestly couldn't hear you say it.  FMC loves women.  FMC is also exceedingly critical of women in media and thus, has very few favorites--so few, in fact, that none spring to mind as of this writing.

Well, dinner awaits.  Roquefort may be involved.  Here's a ten-spot, kid.  Go watch a movie.  Even a Feisty Media Critic's gotta eat now and then.

Next week, we'll dig in and start rating some cinema!

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The Good, The Bad, and The Good/Bad

Vol. 1 • Iss. 1

Wot's all this then, eh?

Movies, music, magazines, video games...

But mostly movies.  At least for now.

Not an "outdoorsy" person, Feisty Media Critic (a.k.a. FMC) sees a LOT of movies.  So many that the titles are often not remembered.  Have you ever begun watching a film you've already seen because the title didn't ring a bell?  It's not a hallmark of a bad film, mind you.

FMC considers the most accurate litmus test of a TRULY good film as being able to name the major characters the day after seeing the film.  If the names don't embed themselves in one's brain for at least that long, someone screwed up in the character development department.

There are many criteria that Feisty Media Critic applies to determine whether or not a film/movie/flick is "good."  In this context, good MUST be placed in quotation marks, because there are:

• TRULY good (or great) films
• Good movies
• Bad movies
• Flicks (toss-off "popcorn" cinema)
• Good/BAD movies
• BAD movies
• Bad/GOOD/BAD movies
and finally...
• WASTES OF CELLULOID

As this blog progresses, you'll have the opportunity to read about the latest films/movies/flicks seen by FMC, as well as music, video games, and anything else that should pop up that merits some kind of critique.

No need to save us the aisle seat.  We don't go to theaters anyway.

In our next blog, we'll tell you what our Achilles' heels are - which actors, directors, and themes will nearly always appeal to us.  It's important that you know that because, feisty or not, we're only human and are inclined to biases.  Nature of the beast.

See you then!

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